Life is Tough......

It's late, I'm exhausted and emotional drained, yet I still feel the need to write. For me, writing if my outlet, it's the way I process my life when I can't seem to process it any other way. Usually when life is tough and I feel like I've had enough, I write to myself. I type out my feelings and then I e-mail it to myself. I do it because I don't want others to see my weakness, or my hurt, or my pain. I feel the need to be superwomen and supermom and superwife and so I put on a smile for the world and I hide in my own writings to myself.

But tonight, I'm going to make myself vulurable in hopes that I can help someone else that hides to realize that they are not alone. That sometimes it's okay to share your trials and hurts and weaknesses. It is a humbling process and I feel like God is slowly teaching me to be humble. Because in all honesty, it is hard for me to admit that I'm weak and that sometimes in spite of trying to juggle life, I fail and I need help.


We are broke. We are living paycheck to paycheck and not making it. We knew living on a teaching salary was going to be tight and it was, but we were making it....until we went into debt to go to Michigan this summer. We almost didn't go and in all honesty, financially, she shouldn't of gone. But, Adalyn was so tiny and the thought of our families not getting to hold her and hug her and love on her was enough for us to go into debt to get back home if only for awhile. I remember reading about a little boy that died of SIDS at 12 weeks and reading that his grandparents met this precious child for the 1st time at his funeral. That nightmare played through my head so many times and I knew I had to get her back to MI to meet our families, I just had to.....

That decision along with a transmission that went out on our suburban, a smaller bonus check for Chris at the beginning of the school year than we had expected and a daycare job I had thought I had lined up for when school started again that fell through led us into a downward spiral...........which ultimatly lead us to the point where we had to ask for financial help from our church. Just a few shorts week ago we were blessed with a financial gift from our church along with a generous donation of groceries. I sat down at my kitchen table and cried that night. But, I started to see light and I had hope again. We were going to make it.


Tonight I sit here with tears because of a puppy. A puppy that my 7 year old son is in love with, a puppy that my son and my husband (although he won't admit it) is emotionally attached to. A puppy I'm not sure we can save.


She (Kalae) is sick, really, really sick. She was diagnosed with parvo. She is lifeless, she looks so, so, so awful. Everytime I look at her, I cry. Chris & Broedy took her to the emergency vet Monday night where she was given fluids, meds and sent back home with us. The cost was just over $200.....our checking account went negative. Today, (Tuesday) another visit with the vet and our checking accont goes deeper into the hole. A phone call is made and we are blessed with an early Christmas gift from Chris's parents. I am thankful. Yet, there are still decisions to be made and I'm torn.


Do we put another $350 to $650 into this puppy and try to save her or do we spend $100 and put her down? Broedy didn't want us to get this puppy because of our kitten, Pepper. We got Pepper about 3 months before we moved to AZ. If we would of known at the time we were moving, we would of never gotten a kitten. But, we didn't know and so my son got a kitten that he loved and then we had to give her away. It hurt him in so many ways and he told me then he didn't ever want another pet. He didn't want this puppy and yet when we got her, he fell in love with her. And now this, I feel like if we put her down, I'm going to scar my son for life and it hurts. And I hate it and I feel so defeated.

I applied for fiancial aid through an online orginazation called http://www.imom.org/ that helps pets in need. I'm praying that we may be blessed with a gift that would allow us to save this puppy. If not, I pray that Broedy can heal from the lose of this puppy. I pray that despite what has happened with pets in the past, that he will someday heal and be able to love a pet like he has loved Pepper and Kalae. I just feel like we have put this child, my beloved 1st born through so much this past year. Having to give away pepper, moving, having to adjust to a new school and now this. I'm so heartbroken for him and I so wish I could take on all his heartache.

And if that wasn't enough, I got word today that they are starting demolition on our old house back in MI. The house my parents built, the house I grew up in and the house that I really thought I would live in until my kids were grown. I'm in tears over it, it hurts. Everytime I think about it, I cry. And I can only imagine how hard it is for my parents to have to actually watch it get torn down.

But, despite it all. God is still Good. I know this, I believe this and today I lean on him because honestly, it's all I can do. I pray hard, I wait patiently and I know that even though I feel like the world is caving in around me, I have a rock to stand on. But, I am not supermom or superwomen or superwife. I have hope in Christ and he gives me all the strength I need to get through another tough day. He helps me see the blessings in my life, despite the hardaches.

If you have made it this far, please pray for us. Pray for our puppy, pray for finances, pray for me as I let go of yet another piece of my "roots" back in MI and pray that we see the fruits of whatever God is doing right now in all of this very soon.

And now I hit the "publish" button and put my vulurabilty out there for cyberworld............sigh