I'm sitting here tonight listening to the music from my playlist, trying to get some data entry work done and next to me is this little bundle of joy. She's sound asleep and I'm listening to her breath and I keep looking over at this precious child and just staring at her in awe. She is so beautiful and I pray that she will do great things with her life. I want to bottle up this moment and sketch it into the timeline of my life. For me, it's in these simple, everyday, what almost seem mundane moments that I feel God's presence in my life. It's in these moments I know just how much he loves me and how grateful I am for the sacrifice he made for my life. I would do anything for my child, but would I sacrafice my child, this beautiful baby girl (or any of my children) for the sins of other men? I can honestly say, no I don't think, okay I don't think, I know with my whole being that I couldn't/wouldn't do that. Yet God did. He loved me so much he was willing to give up his only child for my sins. That thought, that realization overwhelms me all of the time.
I was having an on-line conversation with an old friend of mine who recently just moved away from MI as well and we were talking about children. She too has four and we were talking about how others seem to just think they have some kind of right to question us on how many children we have or are going to have. I still remember comments that I have gotten about having four children and it never ceases to amaze me at some of those comments. I honestly used to let those comments control my thoughts and actions, I used to be one of those people, you know the ones that whisper about how so and so has 3 children or 4 children or gasp, maybe 5 or more children and I used to look down on those families like they were just crazy people that just didn't know how children were made or what birth control was.
But, God has a funny way of bringing me down a notch sometimes. He often has a way of putting me smack dab in the middle of situations or moving me across the country or teaching me that even when I think I have the world under control, that I don't. I am his child and he shows me over and over again, that he is not yet done teaching me about him and his desire for my life. Going back to being one of those people, I was....but then God put a family in my life that has 5 children. And not only put them into my life, but made my family fall in love with their family. It wasn't just this family that came along and we just happened to see once a year, or a family that we ran into once and awhile, no, God has bigger plans. He turned this family into my family. The family that we used to camp with and hang out with and talk with all of the time. And it was during those weekend camping trips and those weekend get togethers that I realized that families with lots of children aren't so crazy, they are just people. Imagine that?! Families that have lots of children are just that....normal, everyday people doing their best to raise children in this world. Nothing saintly about them, they don't have more money or more patience or more love than I do, they are just normal everyday people.
And then just to make it more clear to me (you know in case I missed the 1st memo from God), he took my family and moved it to Arizona where our best friends once again are a family with 5 kiddos! Great, fun loving, happy, joyful kiddos! And you know what? We love this family too and although we've only been here in AZ a little less than a year, their family has become like family to us as well. We love hanging out with them. I love that my kids have great friends right down the street and that I have a friend I can shop with, hang out with and raise my kids with.
So what does all this rambling mean? I honestly don't know. I know for me, I realize that I never wanted more than 4 children because for some reason four seemed to be most one could have and still look/seem sain to the rest of the word. And I know that my life isn't controlled by the "thoughts" of the rest of this world. I realize that I'm a child of God and that he has plans for my life that I can't even begin to comprehend. I'm not saying that Chris & I will someday have a 5th child because I honestly don't know. There are days when I think that my four are more than I can handle and the thought of another makes my head spin. And then there are those days when I look at my precious little girl and can't imagine not having another one. All I know is this....Children are a blessing sent from God and I'm so thankful for the four blessings I already have. I look at them and am blown away at how blessed I am by having them in my life. And I pray for those that don't ever get to experience that, because being a Mom is truely the most wonderful thing I have ever or will ever do in my life.
In all honesty, I never thought I would be sitting in a house in AZ far away from family and be okay with that. Yet, I know that God did. He knew long before I did that I would be here in AZ with my wonderful husband and my precious children and that life would be good. That we would have great friends, a great church and actually like it here. He knew that Chris & I would sit for hours on end and talk about if moving back to MI is really what our long term goal is or if we were happy and content to stay here in AZ and raise our children. He knew that those conversatins would stretch me as a person, would make me question many things and that in those conversations Chris and I would fall deeper in love with not only each other, but with him as well. And that those long conversations would lead us in circles over and over again. We still honestly don't know what our long term goal is. We talk ourselves in circles almost daily and yet I find peace in knowing that I don't have to make that decision yet. I can lean fully on God and know that he has plans for not only my life, but for the life of my children and that all I have to do is follow him step by step and he'll lead me to the place where he wants me to be. It's good to be a child of God:-)
So, those are my thoughts for tonight. I know it's mostly rambling and I pray it makes sense to someone who reads it. I'm not usually so transparent in my blogging posts. I tend to "ere" on the side of caution and take the "safe" road when it comes to what I post but tonight I wanted to be real and let all of you into my head if only for a moment or two!
